The Pi Song. An endless horror is brought to you today by the letters H and A. And R, D, N, P, I, and M. And the number Pi, in an impolite act of recursiveness.

Warning. This song will haunt both your days and your nights. I reveal it unto you, only that I may have company in the asylum, once this has run its unnatural course.

When ink and pen in hands of men
Inscribe your form, bipedal “P”
They draw an altar on which
God has slaughtered all stability.
No eyes could ever soak in all the places you anoint
And yet to see you all at once we only need the point
Flirting with infinity, your geometric progeny
That fit inside you oh so tight
With triangles that feel so right.


Your ever-constant homily says flaw is discipline
The patron saint of imperfection frees us from our sin
And if our transcendental lift shall find a final floor
Then Man will know the death of God where wonder was before.

Yeah, I know this Pi shit backwards and forwards.
Check it out!

I did three chicks then I pointed at the door
A girl entered in so that made it four
I snapped one time in came another five
Add ’em all up and that makes nine
The average age 26.5
Now that’s what I call gettin’ some pi
Five of the chicks wore 6-inch heels
Two of the nine squealed like seals.
514 was the area code
Quebec, Canada my winter abode
And my 1.3 million dollar chalet.

Pi backwards, pi forwards, all night and all day.


By Hard ‘n Phirm.

Pooh’s Flu Song

Pooh's Flu Song

My thanks to Pooh and Piglet who generously gave their time to help me with this PSA. The fight against today’s disgraceful lack of handkerchief ownership goes on!

Not entirely sure what I made this for, but when Pooh starts whispering in my ear, I can do naught but follow where he leads. Maybe it’ll be useful to a parent explaining why we need to use tissues. Or maybe it’d terrify the wee mites.

Dan Aykroyd and his magic vodka

Of course, some would say all vodka is magic. Me, I prefer gin, in my never-ending quest to resemble a Hogarth etching.

Dan has done his work. I don’t normally drink vodka, and I still want some! Everything tastes better from a crystal skull. Or so I have been lead to believe.

Ms Pac Man makes me feel old.

Yes, it is December once more, and as usual, Matt over at X-Entertainment has succeeded in making me feel nostalgic for the days I spent as a teenager in the US. The UK never really had a lot of video game advertising on the television, but in the US during kids TV, we were barraged with everything from Nintendo, to Atari, and then back to Nintendo again, because actually that’s pretty much all there was. Every game was presented as if it was the greatest creation ever conceived of, and to be honest they were often pretty cool. Twenty years on though, even I have to look at them and wonder what the heck we were thinking:

“Ms Pac Man, don’t you know. Is more than just Pac Man with a bow.”. Which was good, because I don’t think the video-game world was ready back then for it’s first transvestite hero.

Holy crap! It’s Mr Hooper from Sesame Street! You can trust Mr Hooper to not be selling you a lemon. Mr Hooper would never lie to us.

My favourite moment is when the annoying small child says “Those are supposed to be ghosts.” Even she knew that they just looked like coloured blobs on the horrible Atari 2600 version.

As I’ve mentioned here before, in the 80’s, if something were even slightly popular with kids, there would eventually be a breakfast cereal made of it:

And now a word from TASER®.

Hey there TASER® fans! Your standard TASER® may be excellent for delivering 50,000 volts to the sentient being of your choice, but while you might feel good, do you look good?

Introducing the C2 TASER® fashion range, featuring a choice of hip-looking instruments of agony. Is your target spasming because of the volts, or just because he had hoped leopard-print went out with the 80’s? Who cares, as long as he spasms!

C2 Leopard21

Also available in Red Hot, Fashion Pink, Black Pearl, Electric Blue, Metallic Pink, and Titanium. You’ll be happy to hear that the included lithium battery is good for over 50 tases. For heavy users, additional batteries are available.

But wait, you feel there’s still something missing? Wouldn’t it be totally rad and awesome if, while you’re tasing hippies and old men, you could also be rocking out with some of your favourite tracks. How about “Another one bites the dust” by Queen (though something from their album “Sheer Heart Attack” might be more appropriate). Presenting the TASER® C2 Holster Hard Case with 1GB MP3 Player.

C2 Holster Mph12

Now, when your victim goes down, you can be getting on down too. Burn baby burn. Disco Inferno!!

Ha! If only I was joking. I’m not. TASERS® are going mainstream, cool, and funky. As TASER® point out, “TASER® devices are not considered firearms by the US Government. They can be legally carried (concealed or open) without permit required in 43 states.”. Yay for concealed deadly weapons for everyone!!!

And remember: If a subject is exhibiting signs or behaviors that are
associated with Sudden In-Custody Death Syndrome, consider need for medical assistance.

Sudden In-Custody Death Syndrome is a mysterious ailment that sometimes affects people who have coincidently just had the crap beaten out of them by police, or been electrocuted. It is possible that we will never know what causes it, it’s that bloody mysterious.

A list of TASER® deaths from October to November 2007.

Above is security camera footage of an incident in November where an unarmed pregnant mother in Trotwood, Ohio, was tasered by a police officer. It is clear from the footage that her level of resistance was nowhere near that which would make use of such force appropriate. She had already been pushed on her face onto the ground, and was being held down. Why the need to tase her in the neck?

No information is available on whether the cop preferred Leopard-print, or Electric Blue. Perhaps he should go to a TASER® party and find out.

The Mighty Gore!!!

The Mighty Gore!

Just because I thought it might be mildly amusing. Sadly, my artistic skills don’t do the idea justice. Al Gore, you’re my hero!

A Message From Little Al

Good day to you, peasants!

Little Al Playmobil2

Continue reading A Message From Little Al