Ark's Ark

Yes, it is December once more, and as usual, Matt over at X-Entertainment has succeeded in making me feel nostalgic for the days I spent as a teenager in the US. The UK never really had a lot of video game advertising on the television, but in the US during kids TV, we were barraged with everything from Nintendo, to Atari, and then back to Nintendo again, because actually that’s pretty much all there was. Every game was presented as if it was the greatest creation ever conceived of, and to be honest they were often pretty cool. Twenty years on though, even I have to look at them and wonder what the heck we were thinking:

“Ms Pac Man, don’t you know. Is more than just Pac Man with a bow.”. Which was good, because I don’t think the video-game world was ready back then for it’s first transvestite hero.

Holy crap! It’s Mr Hooper from Sesame Street! You can trust Mr Hooper to not be selling you a lemon. Mr Hooper would never lie to us.

My favourite moment is when the annoying small child says “Those are supposed to be ghosts.” Even she knew that they just looked like coloured blobs on the horrible Atari 2600 version.

As I’ve mentioned here before, in the 80’s, if something were even slightly popular with kids, there would eventually be a breakfast cereal made of it:

There have been a number of incidents recently, in Argentina, involving a being known as a “Duende”. This has been badly translated for English media as “The Creepy Gnome”. In a number of appearances, including two caught on film, he has created hysteria wherever he goes. While he has yet to cause any physical injury, merely the sight of him is enough for force the taking of a SAN check, and not everyone has rolled well, with several people being hospitalised from fright.

Here it is in full menacing action.

It should be clear to any player of Warhammer Online that this is not a a gnome at all.

Firstly, those young people were filled with terror, and gnomes, whilst being completely awesome in every way, are not known for their causing of terror, and they like it that way.

Secondly, no real gnome would be seen in a hat like that. It’s not a stereotype they want to reinforce.

No, I’m afraid it was clearly a Night Goblin, as I shall demonstrate in this painstakingly crafted side by side comparison:

Those young people should consider themselves lucky it was an unarmed night goblin with the urge to dance that came upon them, and not a witch elf, or a chaos chosen. Nevertheless, even a single night goblin can be dangerous to the untrained, so they were wise to flee.

Beware! Beware the Creepy Goblin!!!!

Hey there TASER® fans! Your standard TASER® may be excellent for delivering 50,000 volts to the sentient being of your choice, but while you might feel good, do you look good?

Introducing the C2 TASER® fashion range, featuring a choice of hip-looking instruments of agony. Is your target spasming because of the volts, or just because he had hoped leopard-print went out with the 80’s? Who cares, as long as he spasms!

Also available in Red Hot, Fashion Pink, Black Pearl, Electric Blue, Metallic Pink, and Titanium. You’ll be happy to hear that the included lithium battery is good for over 50 tases. For heavy users, additional batteries are available.

But wait, you feel there’s still something missing? Wouldn’t it be totally rad and awesome if, while you’re tasing hippies and old men, you could also be rocking out with some of your favourite tracks. How about “Another one bites the dust” by Queen (though something from their album “Sheer Heart Attack” might be more appropriate). Presenting the TASER® C2 Holster Hard Case with 1GB MP3 Player.

Now, when your victim goes down, you can be getting on down too. Burn baby burn. Disco Inferno!!

Ha! If only I was joking. I’m not. TASERS® are going mainstream, cool, and funky. As TASER® point out, “TASER® devices are not considered firearms by the US Government. They can be legally carried (concealed or open) without permit required in 43 states.”. Yay for concealed deadly weapons for everyone!!!

And remember: If a subject is exhibiting signs or behaviors that are
associated with Sudden In-Custody Death Syndrome, consider need for medical assistance.

Sudden In-Custody Death Syndrome is a mysterious ailment that sometimes affects people who have coincidently just had the crap beaten out of them by police, or been electrocuted. It is possible that we will never know what causes it, it’s that bloody mysterious.

A list of TASER® deaths from October to November 2007.

Above is security camera footage of an incident in November where an unarmed pregnant mother in Trotwood, Ohio, was tasered by a police officer. It is clear from the footage that her level of resistance was nowhere near that which would make use of such force appropriate. She had already been pushed on her face onto the ground, and was being held down. Why the need to tase her in the neck?

No information is available on whether the cop preferred Leopard-print, or Electric Blue. Perhaps he should go to a TASER® party and find out.

Just because I thought it might be mildly amusing. Sadly, my artistic skills don’t do the idea justice. Al Gore, you’re my hero!

Good day to you, peasants!

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My biggest effort at a webcomic ever! I should probably have tried to do it in something a bit better than Windows Paint.

I also completely failed at fitting it into the amount of width I have here, so you’ll have to give it a click to see it. You might also have to click magnify on it, if your browser unhelpfully resizes it so you can’t read the text. I’ll make sure I get it to fit in here next time. Probably. It’s kind of thin over here.

For non-Brits, the Lib Dem leader, mighty Vince Cable, said this week: “The House has noticed the Prime Minister’s remarkable transformation in the past few weeks from Stalin to Mr. Bean - creating chaos out of order, rather than order out of chaos.

For those who missed it, the insanity began here. If anyone else was subjected to the same sort of bizarre children’s stories I was (I’m looking at you, Enid Blyton!), they’ll know what I’m shooting for here.

Part 2. The plot thickens.

His wicked sitting ways were not restricted to chairs of course. He had wide-ranging tastes, and no snoozing small animal or childs toy left upon a couch was safe from being sat upon. He quickly became despised by the cats of Jollyton, who would hiss at him, from what they judged a safe distance, when he passed. Fortunately he was built for sitting, not speed.

The cooling of his social opportunities were not at all unexpected by the Professor. This was not the first, second, nor even twelvth town which he had visited, and he was sure he would have plenty more good sits in Jollyton before it’s exceptionaly forgiving denizens finally stopped letting him into their homes at all. But all was not well. He took great pride in his sitting, and was concerned that without regular practise of his skills he might become rusty, and so he resolved to visit the shop of Mr Knot the carpenter to buy some emergency chairs.

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Fresh in from The Battlecreek Enquirer

COLFAX TOWNSHIP — A man says he shot a neighbor’s cow after mistaking it for a coyote. Authorities and the owner are skeptical.

The undersheriff in northern Michigan’s Benzie County says he doesn’t see how anyone could confuse a 1,400-pound pregnant cow with a coyote, which typically weighs between 20 and 45 pounds.

And anyway, shooting coyotes is illegal during firearm deer season. Authorities asked the county prosecutor to bring charges against the shooter.

A 42-year-old man told authorities he was out to shoot coyotes near his Colfax Township home Saturday when he killed the cow, Undersheriff Rory Heckman told the Traverse City Record-Eagle for a story published Wednesday. Heckman said the man then tried to drag the cow home.

“The part of his story he his holding to is he shot at a coyote. I don’t know how he hit a several-thousand pound cow mistaking it for a coyote,” Heckman said.

The cow was named Hannah and had wandered away from its farm, about 205 miles northwest of Detroit.

“My husband thought that he should go through some therapy looking at repeated pictures of cows and coyotes because they look nothing alike. It didn’t make any sense to me,” said owner DeAnn Mosher.

I have a theory….

I know. Too much video news recently. I’ll try to write something a bit more substantial over the weekend! Or do you like videos. Let me know!

Once upon a time, there was a gentleman by the name of Professor Butterburger. Professor Butterburger liked sitting on things. Hard. When he moved into the town of Jollyton, everybody had been extremely pleased to have such a learned man join their community, and he had received countless invitations to take tea. His visits would go something like this :

“Why, Professor Butterburger! How lovely to see you today. Have a seat while I make us a nice cup of tea, and maybe a spot of cake.”

“Why thankyou! Don’t mind if I do!”, he would say, targetting the nearest chair, and collapsing upon it with as much force as he could muster. KRUMPH!

“Oh my! Dear Professor, are you hurt? I am so terribly sorry.”

“My goodness. How on EARTH did that happen? It must have been broken already!”

“Yes, I suppose it must have been. Please, you must be quite shaken up. Do sit down.” KRUMPH!

“My chair!”

“My bottom! You must have woodworm! I cannot think of any other possible explanation. Let me test your other chairs.”

“No! I mean, I just remembered that I have a terribly important appointment that I really cannot be late for. I’m afraid we shall have to take tea another day.”

“Oh dear, that is a shame. Well, I bid you good day!”, and he would leave, feeling extremely pleased with himself. Upon reaching home, he would write the details of his sitting in his sitting journal, and mark himself for style, strength, and quantity.

After a time, it will not surprise you to hear that people stopped inviting him to visit.

Heather Mills is in the news again. I know, that surprised me too.

Ms Mills said that livestock created far more carbon emissions than transport, so we should go vegan - someone who eats no meat or dairy produce - or at least find something else to put in tea or coffee.

At Speakers Corner in Hyde Park she said: “There are many other kinds of milk available. Why don’t we try drinking rats’ milk and dogs’ milk?”

Vegan Mills was supposed to be launching a poster campaign for an animal welfare charity.

I shall leave it to Red Dwarf’s Holly to respond:

I wonder how much milk you get from a rat anyway. Likely not enough for my cornflakes. Maybe enough for a single cup of tea. Is Ms Mills suggesting we have farms of battery rats, or does she prefer free-range?