Part 2 of a series wherein my friends inform me someone is dead, and I tell them that they are not. This time they actually had posts on semi-legitimate media to point at. But nevertheless, he is not dead.
That the alleged CNN report that everyone keeps sending me (and that I won’t link to) is hosted on an Angelfire server might have been a bit of a clue. It’s no wonder phishers do so well.
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No trackbacksThe Alexa Ranking theoretically determines how popular your website is, out of all the websites in the world. It does this by extrapolating from the behaviour of users who have the Alexa plug-in installed to their browsers. For instance, this humble stop along the internet superhighway is currently the 520,865th most popular by Alexa’s rating, though it fluctuates fairly wildly. That sounds pretty awful, but there are a heck of a lot of websites out there, so it actually ain’t bad. Because I am something of a numbers geek, I watch it leap about, seemingly independent of how many visitors I actually get, and have watched the ranking of some other sites I frequent, and I’ve reached a startling conclusion. Well, not literally startling. I just said that to make this sound more interesting. Alexa ratings aren’t exactly the sort of things that startle anyone, unless perhaps you are the sort of person that is shocked when a rather large yet unimportant number gets a little larger or smaller. I am not such a person, and I’ll wager neither are you.
It turns out that the best way to raise your Alexa ranking is simply to make a post telling people how to raise their Alexa ranking, and then thousands of people come in from the search engines to find out how. Because they all have the Alexa widget installed to raise their own page ranking, it also raises yours. (If you really want to go for broke, make a website all about SEO, Alexa, and Adsense. You’ll be in the top 10,000 before teatime.)
Now, some might suggest that this is a fatal flaw in how Alexa rankings are worked out. It means that the websites frequented most by people who care about such silly things as Alexa rating have inflated figures, rendering the ranking system mostly meaningless. In particular, websites dedicated to Search Engine Optimisation and such things frequently have ridiculously high rankings.
Some might even say that anyone who used such a method to raise their Alexa rank would be a terrible person. Or a very silly one, considering how little meaning the Alexa Rank actually has to 99.9% of web users. Possibly even both terrible AND silly. Some might also declare that it is good that I have warned of this danger, so that we might all be alert for such outrageous scampery.
Myself, I choose to break into a chorus of Gilbert and Sullivan’s “A Paradox”!
Let’s sing along! There are pirates in it too! Pirates make everything better.
Alright, it’s not really a paradox. It’s more an out of control positive feedback loop, but I don’t know any songs about that.
Write a commentNo trackbacksWarning. This song will haunt both your days and your nights. I reveal it unto you, only that I may have company in the asylum, once this has run its unnatural course.
When ink and pen in hands of men
Inscribe your form, bipedal “P”
They draw an altar on which
God has slaughtered all stability.
No eyes could ever soak in all the places you anoint
And yet to see you all at once we only need the point
Flirting with infinity, your geometric progeny
That fit inside you oh so tight
With triangles that feel so right.3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459
Your ever-constant homily says flaw is discipline
The patron saint of imperfection frees us from our sin
And if our transcendental lift shall find a final floor
Then Man will know the death of God where wonder was before.Yeah, I know this Pi shit backwards and forwards.
Check it out!I did three chicks then I pointed at the door
A girl entered in so that made it four
I snapped one time in came another five
Add ‘em all up and that makes nine
The average age 26.5
Now that’s what I call gettin’ some pi
Five of the chicks wore 6-inch heels
Two of the nine squealed like seals.
514 was the area code
Quebec, Canada my winter abode
And my 1.3 million dollar chalet.Pi backwards, pi forwards, all night and all day.
3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459230781640
6286208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359
40812848111745028410270193852110556By Hard ‘n Phirm.
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My thanks to Pooh and Piglet who generously gave their time to help me with this PSA. The fight against today’s disgraceful lack of handkerchief ownership goes on!
Not entirely sure what I made this for, but when Pooh starts whispering in my ear, I can do naught but follow where he leads. Maybe it’ll be useful to a parent explaining why we need to use tissues. Or maybe it’d terrify the wee mites.
Write a commentNo trackbacksOf course, some would say all vodka is magic. Me, I prefer gin, in my never-ending quest to resemble a Hogarth etching.
Dan has done his work. I don’t normally drink vodka, and I still want some! Everything tastes better from a crystal skull. Or so I have been lead to believe.
Write a commentNo trackbacksYes, it is December once more, and as usual, Matt over at X-Entertainment has succeeded in making me feel nostalgic for the days I spent as a teenager in the US. The UK never really had a lot of video game advertising on the television, but in the US during kids TV, we were barraged with everything from Nintendo, to Atari, and then back to Nintendo again, because actually that’s pretty much all there was. Every game was presented as if it was the greatest creation ever conceived of, and to be honest they were often pretty cool. Twenty years on though, even I have to look at them and wonder what the heck we were thinking:
“Ms Pac Man, don’t you know. Is more than just Pac Man with a bow.”. Which was good, because I don’t think the video-game world was ready back then for it’s first transvestite hero.
Holy crap! It’s Mr Hooper from Sesame Street! You can trust Mr Hooper to not be selling you a lemon. Mr Hooper would never lie to us.
My favourite moment is when the annoying small child says “Those are supposed to be ghosts.” Even she knew that they just looked like coloured blobs on the horrible Atari 2600 version.
As I’ve mentioned here before, in the 80’s, if something were even slightly popular with kids, there would eventually be a breakfast cereal made of it:
Write a commentNo trackbacksThere have been a number of incidents recently, in Argentina, involving a being known as a “Duende”. This has been badly translated for English media as “The Creepy Gnome”. In a number of appearances, including two caught on film, he has created hysteria wherever he goes. While he has yet to cause any physical injury, merely the sight of him is enough to force the taking of a SAN check, and not everyone has rolled well, with several people being hospitalised from fright.
Here it is in full menacing action.
It should be clear to any player of Warhammer Online that this is not a a gnome at all.
Firstly, those young people were filled with terror, and gnomes, whilst being completely awesome in every way, are not known for their causing of terror, and they like it that way.
Secondly, no real gnome would be seen in a hat like that. It’s not a stereotype they want to reinforce.
No, I’m afraid it was clearly a Night Goblin, as I shall demonstrate in this painstakingly crafted side by side comparison:
Those young people should consider themselves lucky it was an unarmed night goblin with the urge to dance that came upon them, and not a witch elf, or a chaos chosen. Nevertheless, even a single night goblin can be dangerous to the untrained, so they were wise to flee.
Beware! Beware the Creepy Goblin!!!!
Write a commentNo trackbacksHey there TASER® fans! Your standard TASER® may be excellent for delivering 50,000 volts to the sentient being of your choice, but while you might feel good, do you look good?
Introducing the C2 TASER® fashion range, featuring a choice of hip-looking instruments of agony. Is your target spasming because of the volts, or just because he had hoped leopard-print went out with the 80’s? Who cares, as long as he spasms!
Also available in Red Hot, Fashion Pink, Black Pearl, Electric Blue, Metallic Pink, and Titanium. You’ll be happy to hear that the included lithium battery is good for over 50 tases. For heavy users, additional batteries are available.
But wait, you feel there’s still something missing? Wouldn’t it be totally rad and awesome if, while you’re tasing hippies and old men, you could also be rocking out with some of your favourite tracks. How about “Another one bites the dust” by Queen (though something from their album “Sheer Heart Attack” might be more appropriate). Presenting the TASER® C2 Holster Hard Case with 1GB MP3 Player.
Now, when your victim goes down, you can be getting on down too. Burn baby burn. Disco Inferno!!
Ha! If only I was joking. I’m not. TASERS® are going mainstream, cool, and funky. As TASER® point out, “TASER® devices are not considered firearms by the US Government. They can be legally carried (concealed or open) without permit required in 43 states.”. Yay for concealed deadly weapons for everyone!!!
Sudden In-Custody Death Syndrome is a mysterious ailment that sometimes affects people who have coincidently just had the crap beaten out of them by police, or been electrocuted. It is possible that we will never know what causes it, it’s that bloody mysterious.
A list of TASER® deaths from October to November 2007.
Above is security camera footage of an incident in November where an unarmed pregnant mother in Trotwood, Ohio, was tasered by a police officer. It is clear from the footage that her level of resistance was nowhere near that which would make use of such force appropriate. She had already been pushed on her face onto the ground, and was being held down. Why the need to tase her in the neck?
No information is available on whether the cop preferred Leopard-print, or Electric Blue. Perhaps he should go to a TASER® party and find out.
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Just because I thought it might be mildly amusing. Sadly, my artistic skills don’t do the idea justice. Al Gore, you’re my hero!
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